Several of the clients in my psychotherapy practice are struggling to find someone to date. They have tried the online dating options with little enthusiasm and they dont like going to bars. They look around and see all these other people coupled up but not them. What to do?

Ive been asking them this question: What activities do you like to dothat other people also like to doand that you would be willing to do with other people?

If you can answer this question, you can make a plan to be out in the world where potential dates can see and appreciate you and vice versa. It does not guarantee a boy/girlfriend, but it could up your chances of finding someone to date.

First of all, if you pick something you like to do, youll have some comfort and enthusiasm about it. You are a willing participant.

Second it should be something that others do as well. Solo activities are fine for solo time, but to find others, you have to go out and mingle, at least a little bit. If you activity is something so esoteric that no one else is interested, you can still do it, but dont expect to meet anybody while doing it.

Third, you need to be willing to be doing it with the others who show upengaging with them in some way; asking questions, making conversation, being sociable.

So, do some brainstorming. Make a list of things you like to do running down the right side of a piece of paper. When you have finished your list, put a check mark next to the ones that you know other folks like to do also. Then circle the ones that seem most promising and start adding them into your schedule. Do them regularly.

Ralph Notor

Ralph Notor is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco.

A former high school teacher and Human Resource professional, Ralph changed careers for a third time in 1992 when he returned to grauate school to complete his training to become a marriage, family and child counselor. Since 1999 he has been in solo practice in downtown San Francisco. In addition to seeing adults and couples for psychotherapy, he has taught counseling theory to graduate students at San Francisco State Unviversity. He is also a past-President of the San Francisco Chapter of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

In addition to his work with individuals and couples, Ralph has specialized in teaching anger managment skills to men. He teaches the simple tips and techniques men can use to deal with their anger without intimidation or threats of violence. He has found that once his clients begin using these skills, they often report feeling more in control and more relaxed, which allows those around them to relax as well. Men have reported profound changes as a result of this training.

Ralph offers hypnosis as a mode of treatment for clients who are interested in incorporating solutions from their own unconscious in their therapy work. He is an Associate of the Milton H. Erickson Institute of the Bay Area.