How to be the enemy

1) Assuming - this is when you assume how your teen will act and then act according to your assumptions. The problem is this ignores the ability of teens to learn and grow.

2) Rescuing/Explaining - rescuing prevents them from experiencing the consequences of their behavior. Explaining prevents them from discovering the meaning of things for themselves. This is what could be going on when a teen says "Stop treating me like a two year old!"

3) Directing - Think about how you feel when your boss tells you how to do every little detail of a project that you already know how to do or could figure out for yourself. What happens to your motivation and sense of responsibility?

4) Expecting - This is different from having appropriate expectations. Expecting is setting too high a standard and then criticizing everything that falls below.

How to be a guide

1) Checking - This involves respecting a person enough to ask what their understanding of a situation may be. It's "What do you think you will need for your trip" vs. "Now remember to take this and that and don't forget the other thing!"

2) Exploring - We explore when we ask questions such as, "What was your understanding of when you were to be home?" vs. "Do you know how late you are?!" (Of course they know!) Getting their understanding puts the responsibility on them and off of you.

3) Encouraging/Inviting - This sends the important message that we believe the child to be valuable and intelligent. It's "What do you think." vs. "This is how you should believe and think." Asking "What's your opinion?" can work wonders for self esteem and communication.

4) Celebrating - This can simply be noticing progress. In our performance based society, it's easy to focus only on huge achievements. Communication is enhanced when we also celebrate what I call the "small successes." This is "Good job, see what you can do." vs. "Why didn't you do this." Having said all that, it's important to emphasize that the parents are the ones who need to be in charge. It's simply a matter of being in charge in a manner that builds barriers or in a manner that builds bridges.

Jeff Herring

Jeff is a marriage and family therapist, singles and relationship coach, mentor coach, speaker, syndicated relationship columnist and author.

Jeff has a full time private practice in Tallahassee in which he specializes in couples, teen and parent counseling. He also is a relationship coach specializing in working with couples and singles. Some of his professional activities include:

==> Internationally syndicated relationship columnist through Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services, with a weekly readership of over 10 million worldwide

==> Sought after speaker for organizations, associations, churches, and corporations

==>Twice weekly appearances on The Steve and Sara Show on Magic 107.1

==> Author of "Keep the Changes: 52 Tools for Successful Living" a collection of his best columns, as well as several e-books including "How to Create a Passionate and Loving Relationship.........Forever," "How to Beat the BOZOs: Dealing with difficult people without becoming one," and "Tame Your Teen: THE survival guide for parenting your teenager.

==> Founder and CEO of TheArticleGuy.com

==> Founder and CEO of SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

==> Founder and CEO of ParentingYourTeeanger.com

==> Founder and CEO of ToolsforSuccessfulLiving.com

==> President of BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

==> President of ConsciousDatingTallahassee.com