I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and Im thinking, okay, heres a gal whos capable of making a decision shell regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I worked some gigs in the Deep SouthAlabamaYou talk about Darwins waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher) Funny Quotes. Sayings. Quotations.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

Theres always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, Id fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer) Famous Quotes

My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize shes given you two $100 bills. Now, heres where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)