I have a tantalizingly exciting topic to discuss--The Art of Mexican Bathing. Now, if you think this topic is as exciting as watching paint dry, you had better withhold judgment until you expatriate to Mexico and try this out for yourself. You will be glad you did.

If you know anything about male human physiology and the effects of sudden temperature changes on it, then you can skip this part. If you don't, then you had better take notes because you are going to need to know this when you expatriate to Mexico"TRUST ME!

You know how in the United States you've depended on the faithful fact of having hot and cold water whenever you needed it? All you've ever had to do during your entire existence in America (unless you lived with wolves in the forest) is turn on the hot or cold water and it was there. Wonderfully hot or cold and with a powerful stream of water. It rarely failed you. Well, in Mexico it works a little differently.

What we have here is a "water tank" called a tinaco. This thingee sits on the roof day and night, night and day, and is your source for water. But, wait. This tank, or tinaco, is like a toilet tank. It even has one of those hideous-looking flotation devices in it that acts as a mechanism to shut off the water flow when it reaches a certain level.

This tank fills up with water when the flotation device reaches a low level and stops when it reaches its full level. And it fills back up just as slowly as the slowest toilet tank that you can imagine. This is your house's supply of water"the tinaco.

However, there is NO water pressure other than gravity from the tinaco to your faucet, toilet, or shower (though there are pressure devices you can install). Consequently, you can have a tiny trickle or a full head of water pressure depending on the level of water in your tinaco.

Now follow me closely, here.

The hot water situation works like this: The hot water tank's fullness is dependent on the water level in your tinaco. If there is no or low water in the tinaco, there will be no water in your hot water tank to heat up.

This would not be so bad if you lived alone. But, if you have two people in the household trying to take showers, it can be interesting.

If you are a married man, you know who takes the longest showers. When my wife finishes her showering and I jump in, I have exactly sixty seconds to shower before the hot water tank says to the tinaco, "Hey! I am running low here. Can you lend a hand?"

To which the tinaco responds, "Sure, Dude. Give me about three hours."

Sixty seconds, count them, before the hot water shuts down and the genitalia shrinkage begins. Thus, I asked the question about whether you knew the effects of sudden temperature changes on the human MALE body.

Of course, this situation is worsened if someone fills up the water pitcher or uses the toilet. All this sucks up precious water in the tinaco, making showering hazardous to say the least.

I cannot testify to the effects of this on the FEMALE human body but can imagine vividly what it shrinks. But I can't say it here lest I risk not getting this column published ever again!

Mexico has few bathtubs. I can see why. It would take three years to fill it up with enough hot water in which to bathe! Welcome to Mexico!